[Nettime-bold] Onion: Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

["R. A. Hettinga" <rah@shipwright.com>]

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/hijackers_surprised.html

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers

      JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS-The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11
attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and
surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's
Hell.
 

Above: Mohammed Atta (top) and Ahmed al-Haznawi.

      "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed
cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the
airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the
hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the
wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am
fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to
be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"


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      The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked,
asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his
face.

      According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have
struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering,
infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

      "There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at
our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of
the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said
Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new
arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they
were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from
eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could
be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the
haunches of Asmoday."

      "Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended
their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly
twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene
shapes.

      "I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true
religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said
Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi.
"But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of
Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement
of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

      Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed
out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the
fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the
Paradise they were expecting.

      "It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these
murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if
only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly
Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen
by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto
a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to
endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That
can't be fun."

      Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent
punishment for the terrorists.

      "Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them,"
said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now,
everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags
will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this
afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax
in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that,
they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic
ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I
can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

-- 
-----------------
R. A. Hettinga <mailto: rah@ibuc.com>
The Internet Bearer Underwriting Corporation <http://www.ibuc.com/>
44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA
"... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity,
[predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to
experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'


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